What Running (And Failing At) A Race Taught Me

Pre-race, post-potty - the high point of my day.

The End: Shaking, incoherent, sobbing, vomiting and laying under all my blankets still in my sweat-soaked racing clothes: This was how my kids found mommy yesterday.

The Beginning: "Sure, give me some of your pills!" Famous. Last. Words.

That pretty much sums it up. But if you want all the gory details of my Worst Race Ever (swiftly followed by Very Important Life Lesson), read on:

The day dawned bright and beautiful and cold. Gym Buddies Allison, Megan and I met up all kitted out in our glittery skirts and painted hair. The drive in was easy, we quickly found a parking spot, we were plenty early for several potty breaks and I even got to meet Reader Jen at the starting line (which got awkward when Allison asked her if she wanted me to sign her bra. Jen replied, "Do people really ask you that?!" And I was like, "Um, NO. Just Allison!" I'm sorry Jen!). But even with everything going so swimmingly, I was still really anxious. Have to do my best, remember?

Allison and I after getting all prettied up.

It was my last long training run that did me in. My "fun" goal for the race was 1:30 for the ten miles - an easy 9 minute pace*. I knew I could do that. But then I had an awesome run outside. And then an even better one inside. I'd consistently paced at 8:40/mile. I didn't want to tell anyone for fear of jinxing myself but if I could shave that down to 8:30/mile that would be a personal record (PR) for me for this distance. Sure I'd have to run a hard race but I could do it! If I just had a little edge... Just, you know, something to give me a tiny push... Something like... a pill?

Seduced by the allure of a PR, I convinced one of the Gym Buddies who is into that sort of thing to give me a couple of caffeine pills. It's just caffeine, I reasoned. Sure I'm caffeine sensitive but it wasn't that much and my Gym Buddy uses them all the time and has had great results with them. I mean it's not like it was crack, right?

Might as well have been crack. Actually, crack would have been preferable.

I knew something was wrong about 20 minutes after I swallowed them. A strange fog came over my mind, my heart started pounding and I began to shake uncontrollably. Nausea rolled over me in waves. "Don't worry, you'll feel better once you start running," my friends reassured me. And for a few minutes I did. Then I realized something strange; I could no longer feel my limbs. You'd think this would be a bonus for an endurance race - hey, I'm flying! - but when I say I couldn't feel my limbs I mean I couldn't feel my body. It was the strangest feeling and not at all pleasant. I realized the downside to this when I tripped over a stick and caught it between my legs - it took me 10 feet to figure out why my legs weren't propelling me forward anymore. I also managed to tear off half my fingernail (Where? On what? Who knows??) and get a bruise on my thigh the size of a fist.

You remember the children's story The Red Shoes - little orphaned girl covets red dancing shoes, girl gets shoes and loves them more than anything else, the shoes become possessed and bind to her feet forcing her to dance until at last she convinces someone to chop off her feet. And then she dies! Charming little tale: deadly sin, demonic possession, punishment that way overshadows the crime - sure don't make fairytales like they used to! Well, I was now the girl in the red shoes. My legs only had one speed: sprint. So I ran the first three or four miles at a crazy pace and then it hit me. No, not another stick. The nausea that had been building now punched me in the stomach and I immediately knew I shouldn't have blogged about runners who poop their pants because I was pretty sure I was about to join their ranks. I stopped just long enough to blow chunks. Thankfully they came out of my mouth. (I never thought I'd be so grateful for barf!)

I have never, ever vomited during a race. Wanted to, yes. Done it, no. I walked a few paces and then my stupid possessed legs took off again. This became my strategy for the last 6 miles: sprint until I was 99% sure I was going to puke again and then walk. Sprint, heave, walk. Repeat. I'm pretty sure this particular strategy isn't covered in any of the major running manuals. Can't say I recommend it either. By mile 8 I just wanted to die. If I'd known the neighborhood at all, I would have ducked out of the race but I knew I had to make it to the finish line to find my friends and my ride home. So I continued to run the most schizophrenic race ever, alternately confusing and horrifying fellow runners and bystanders alike. Hey kids, don't do drugs!

The finish line is supposed to be a glorious moment where you sprint with your arms held high in the ecstasy of victory. I dragged over it after having walked most of the final mile, my possessed leg muscles twitching in protest. To be honest I don't remember much after that. I hugged Gym Buddy Dennis. Some man I didn't know gave me a picnic blanket to put over the two sweatshirts I was already wearing over my running clothes and I still couldn't stop shaking. I ate one bite of a salted nut roll only to throw it back up in my mouth. My legs were weak, I wanted to cry and my heart was beating so funny I was sure I'd just self-medicated myself into a heart attack. I kept a brave face on until I got home (at least I think I did, my friends would have to tell you how convincing I was) hoping that my husband would be home. He wasn't.

I burst into hysterical sobs, threw up again and eventually managed to drag myself into bed which is where my kids found me sometime later crying and hyperventilating. By the time my husband got up there I begged him to take me to the E.R. I was that sure I was dying. Instead he changed me into dry clothes, gave me a few sips of Sprite and put me back in bed where I spent the rest of the day. I couldn't eat a thing until this morning. Between sweat, tears and vomit I lost 3.5 pounds in 24 hours so while I missed my running best, I think I set a new PR in bodily fluid spewage.

To say I was bitterly disappointed in myself would be a massive understatement. I spent last night trying to decide which spot this event would take in my Top 10 List of Things I Most Regret. (Top 5, probably.) I spent most of this morning wishing for a do-over and calling myself every iteration of idiot I could muster. After avoiding it all day, I finally broke down and looked at my time on the race site. It wasn't great (1:37 - 9:40/mile) but you know what? It wasn't terrible. I finished. I cannot believe I finished at all. As far as mental toughness goes, this was by far the toughest race I have ever run. And yet I still did it.

Then I did something even better: I looked up the times for all of my friends that ran it. Since I'd puked up any last vestiges of pride and competitiveness, I was able to look at their times and just see their accomplishment. And it was a beautiful thing! I was so proud of them I started crying all over again but happy tears this time. Every person had to run their own race yesterday and they all did. Every single one finished. Megan got a PR in the half-marathon. Allison ran her first 10-miler and looked adorable doing it. Kandi & Ben finished within 1 second of each other (the couple that runs together, stays together!). Jeni ran her first 10-miler and hit her goal while her two young daughters cheered their hearts out for her. Other Megan #1 ran her first-ever half marathon and Other Megan #2 paced her step-for-step; they crossed together. Tom shaved 30 minutes off his last half time. Candice finished her first half marathon. Melissa and Julie and Greg and Other Megan #3 (seriously, we have that many Megans at the Y) and Jen and Other Allison all ran great runs.

In that moment I realized that if I can be proud of all of them - and I SO am! - then I can be proud of myself too. I may not be proud of what I did but I am proud of myself for finishing. And that is, after all, good enough.

What is your worst race story? Anyone else ever take a shortcut to help them only to have it massively backfire? What moment do you wish you could do over?

*I don't normally use actual numbers when I post because I know numbers are very triggering for some people and for the rest of us, well, comparisons are odious. My fast is your slow, my slow is your fast... whatever. But writing this out without the numbers ended up needing more calculus than I remember. My apologies if this made you nuts.

Post-race with our finisher's medals! Boy howdy did I earn this one.

Touching in the Gym: People Skills 101

I wonder what the Yoga Guru would have said about this kind of yogic touching.

My friends paid a boy to kiss me. I was sweet sixteen and never been kissed - a fact that I remain unapologetic about to this day - but my friends decided that the best birthday present they could give me would be a soft-lipped hottie to revoke my VL membership. It didn't quite turn out the way they had planned. First of all, the only person they could come up with was a random frat boy from the local university. I don't think any of us, least of all me, even knew his name. Second, they paid him $20 which given the state of his hygeine I think he should have paid me.

Much to my parents' amusement, my friends tarted me up (which in those days involved a lot of black eyeliner, ratty clothing and jewelry with spiders on it) and then trotted me off to meet said boy. He was behind a friend's house, half hidden in the shadows like some kind of pervert. Which, given his age, my age and the circumstances, he kind of was. Before I could even get a good look at him (floppy hair, acne, muscley arms), he growled, "So how you wanna do this?"

I snorted, adjusted my goth jewelry and growled back, "I don't know. I'm the amateur here, remember?"

And so I got a "cat's butt kiss" - aptly christened by my high school friend T to describe the similarity between my tightly puckered mouth and and the business end of a feline - for my first kiss.

"What was it like?" my friends all shrieked before The Hired Help was even out of ear shot.

"Like kissing my dad."

He hung his head. I blushed. Everyone was humiliated. Mission accomplished.

This little episode of Bad Touch 101 was brought to mind the other day when I asked a Yoga Guru a question and she gave me a totally unexpected answer.

My Yoga Question: "My instructor never adjusts me. Is it appropriate to ask her to do so? She seems to be "hands off" in general but otherwise a good teacher." (Backstory: I love yoga. In every yoga class I've ever taken, the teacher has always done little manual adjustments to my form. It helps. I can't see myself when I'm upside down. And a teeny adjustment can make a huge difference in the effectiveness of the pose.)

The Yoga Guru's Answer: Is very long. But in summary they basically said that I might be a perv. Or the teacher might be a perv. Or perhaps neither one of us are pervs but instead might have been touched by pervs in the past (which, as you all know, I have) and therefore might interpret any touch as pervy. It was all very My Body, My Rules from eighth grade health class.

Bad Touch
It was not what I had expected. But it sure did give me a lot to think about because gyms are a unique environment for touching, both good and bad. Most of the girls I know have had some kind of workout experience involving bad touch from a man - usually just a touch or a pat done accidentally-on-purpose. (Another classic is the boob-squishage hug also known as the reason I will only sweaty hug girls now.) My last memorable experience of this type involved a man who, over the course of a five-minute conversation, kept moving closer and closer to me. To which I responded by stepping farther and farther back. Until I was literally up against a wall. I actually had to duck under his arm and push him out of my way to end the conversation. Which thankfully he let me do. I don't think he meant me any harm. I think he was just oblivious. But it still made my heart pound in a very uncomfortable way.

The opposite may also be true although I don't have any first-hand knowledge of it. Any of you guys ever been on the receiving end of unwanted attention at the gym?

Good Touch
The thing is, the gym is a great place to practice good touching. A high five, a pat on the shoulder, a form correction or a close spot can all be good, helpful things. I've been known to give Gym Buddy Allison a big sweaty hug on occasion. And Gym Buddy Megan smacks my rear when she laps me on the track - a kind of combination giddyap-girl and friendly hello. Although you really have to be careful with the butt-smacking: I once had a boot-camp instructor smack the woman in front of me on the rear. I was so appalled I almost considered quitting the class right then and there. He must have seen my face because when he caught up to me on the next lap he explained the woman was his wife and that he would never, ever touch anyone else's tushie. And he's kept good on that promise, thank heavens.

Weird Touch
And then there's weird touch. Gyms are a hot bed of weird touch. Like when a male friend and I were running side-by-side in bootcamp one day and his arm hit my arm and whacked my hand down onto his thigh. Both of us blushed redder than the fire hydrant that he had dodged, which caused the embarrassing accident in the first place. He spent the next solid mile apologizing. And I spent the next mile after that telling him he didn't need to apologize.

Or just last week in Hip Hop, Turbo Jennie and I were dancing in near proximity to each other when she turned towards me at the exact moment I was doing some variation of the rodeo/who's-your-daddy move and it was all Girls Gone Wild up in there for about 3 seconds. "Keep it g-rated, Charlotte!" she yelled and I was so embarrassed that I flubbed the next 4 measures. Yeah, I accidentally freaked on my aerobics instructor.

Awkward.

Touchy Feely
So let this be a lesson to you: don't be me. Oh, wait. No, the lesson here is that there are rules and the rules are there for a reason. And the rules state that you are never to touch anyone, anywhere, for any reason. And if you decide to thwart rule number one, then you must publicly declare - preferably in writing - your intentions and the expected result. And if you still insist on touching, then at least offer to take me to dinner first.

So, enough of my embarrassing moments! Let's hear yours!! Good touch, bad touch or weird touch - what's your story of gym awkwardness? Can anyone top me for the worst first kiss ever??

Workout Leaving You Lightheaded? [The side effect of exercise no one talks about]

www.marriedtothesea.com

Gym Buddy Allison and I share many similarities: young children, a deep love of garage sales and thrift stores, and the same dark hair/light skin that always makes people ask us if we are sisters. Or just confuse one of us for the other. (Hint: she's the taller one with whiter teeth and shiny hair - basically what would happen if the Old Spice Guy knocked up the Pantene lady.) Recently we discovered we also share something else, albeit a mite more disconcerting than our preoccupation with our body fat percentage: We faint.

That's right, a condition normally associated with overly sensitive (or just overly corsetted) 19th-century rich ladies is felling super healthy Gym Buddies left and right. And it's not just fainting but general light-headedness, dizziness and blacked out vision. Before anyone wigs out, it's not as scary as it sounds, it only happens under certain circumstances and... it's perfectly normal. Um, what?

Called Orthostatic Hypotension, it's a seldom talked about side effect of exercise. While one of the known (great) side effects of exercise is lowered blood pressure, this can turn into a bit of a problem in situations that further lower your blood pressure such as suddenly stopping a vigorous exercise or suddenly changing positions. (I think I'm suddenly seeing a pattern!) Avid exercisers that already have low blood pressure are at particular risk for this. As ehow.com explains,

"Exercise can cause sudden changes in blood pressure. A change of 20 points in your blood pressure can cause you dizziness or even fainting. This happens because for that moment the brain isn't getting enough blood. Athletes and those who exercise regularly tend to have lower blood pressure and slower heart rate. So a sudden drop of 20 points could easily put an athlete into the realm of low blood pressure."

I found this out the hard way the other day while kneeling on my floor sorting ultra-adorable girly baby clothes for the Jelly Bean. (She has a silver tulle tutu! With silver patent-leather mary janes! Squeee!) I stood up to hang a dress in her closet and all of a sudden I'm hot, nauseated and my vision is all black. And next thing I know I'm slumped against the closet door on the floor with Jelly Bean staring at me with the cutest bewildered expression on her little squishy face.

This is not the first time I have experienced something like this. My normal blood pressure is usually around 85 over 60 although it's been measured lower and my resting heart rate is about 47 beats per minute. Because of this, my predilection to swoon has become a joke with my husband as I've fainted at least twice with each pregnancy. (Pregnancy is another condition that lowers your blood pressure.) But non-preggo fainting is pretty rare for me. More commonly I'm just dizzy, light-headed, nauseated and have spotty vision for a few seconds. It's remedied by remembering to stand up slowly and steadying myself with a wall or chair for a few seconds until the feeling passes. Except for the rare occasion when I actually hit the floor, these spells are barely noticeable and are not very bothersome to me.

The gym, however, amplifies these - both in intensity and in danger. For instance after doing Tabata sprints around the track with Allison one day, we both reeled to the floor in a strange, slow fall. It seems to have been a combination of working so hard and then stopping so suddenly (we were not going to run even one extra step at that level of exertion, much less take a cool-down lap!) that brought both of us momentarily insensate. Similar to that, while doing my long runs I'm fine but the second I stop running (which of course I do immediately because I'm a "sprint to the finish line" kind of girl) I usually have to sit down for a few seconds on the end of my treadmill and wait for my vision to clear before I can walk to the paper towel dispenser and spritz my 'mill down with ineffective-yet-mandatory cleaning spray.

So what about you - have you ever fainted? Locked your knees during your choir concert? Forgotten to drink water during gym class in a heat wave? Do you get dizzy etc. upon changing positions or stopping intense exercise? Any other good side effects of healthy living that end up bad?

When Old People Attack: Swimming Experiment Results!

Things would have gone better for me had I had one of these caps, I know it!

Either you're a swimmer or you're not. False dichotomy though it may be, there is an easy test to see which camp you fall in. When someone tells you, "Let's swim half a mile." do you answer, "Sure! It only takes me 4 or 5 minutes to run a half mile so this should be a piece of cake!"? If so, you are not a swimmer. If you answer, "How far is a half mile? Like... 10 laps?" you are not a swimmer. If you even think, "Are goggles and a swim cap really mandatory? 'Cause the former make my eyes bulge like Marty Feldman and the latter is just ugly." then you are not a swimmer. (Although you are wicked good with your '80's movie trivia!)

If you just snap your goggles into place, jump into the pool with nary a whimper about the cold and start stroking, then you are a swimmer.

Our first pool workout for August's Great Fitness Experiment went swimmingly - you knew that was coming! - all the way up to the point where we actually got in the water. Our Y being, well, our Y, naturally there were no lanes open for actual swimming as they prefer to keep 99% of the pool available for elderly aquatics classes that oddly resemble square dancing in slow motion. So we were banished to the "leisure pool" where we did a pool workout that I got from Fitness magazine. It was ridiculously easy. We tried everything we could to get our hearts pumping but instead we ended up comparing our pedicures while sculling in random circles around the pool. (Gym Buddy Megan's toenails were a classic red, mine were a zombie-esque blue and Allison's were naked, poor thing. Knowledge you needed; you're welcome.)

If you will recall, the entire purpose of August's Swimming Experiment was to get Gym Buddy Allison ready for her very first triathlon, a sprint tri that included a half-mile open water swim. Clearly, pedi-sculling and otter-rolling over a beach ball (which is awesome fun, by the way) were not going to get us to that point. So we did what we had to do and started swimming some laps. In the 3-foot leisure pool. It only took three laps before the old folks attacked.

"You're not allowed to swim in the swimming pool!" yelled a white-haired gent without a trace of irony.

"Yeah," chimed in a woman who was obviously very invested in keeping her bouffant dry, "this is a LEISURE pool."

"Well I happen to find this very leisurely," Allison explained sweetly as we backstroked around them like some sort of rogue synchronized swimming team taking hostages.

The next day we were back in the pool again but for real this time. There was one lane open for lap swimming and we intended to use the heck out of it. No matter that it was already occupied by three other women which would make six of us in one lane. We optimistically snapped on our goggles (I borrowed mine from my eight-year-old - I'm Batman!) and plunged in.

"So... half a mile," I said. "How far is that exactly?"

"I dunno," Allison replied. "Let's ask the lifeguard."

"Do you mean a swimmer's mile or a land mile?" he asked in return.

Allison started to answer but I interrupted her with, "Whichever one is shorter."

After giving me a long considering look as if to decide whether to address me as an adult or the child I was acting like, he answered, "A swimmer's mile is 35 laps." (Another way to tell you are not a swimmer is to be unaware of the controversy surrounding how far a swimmer's mile actually is. There is calculus involved.)

We sighed with relief. "We can swim down this thing 35 times, no problem!" Allison chirped.

"You do know that a 'lap' means down and back, right?" he added.

No, sir. No we did not know that. (I must point out here that Megan did, in fact, know this but she was not there at this juncture and so it was just Allison and I, as clueless as one can be in Batman goggles.)

"Okay, we got this. We just have to swim down there 70 times!"

"No, wait," I pointed out, "we have to halve that!"

"So.... that's..." Crickets.

"Half of 70 is 35. And half of 30 is 15 plus 4 which is... 19!" I announced erroneously.

"I thought it was 18," Allison said, also wrong. (Why oh why did they have to pick an odd number?)

"Why didn't we just ask the lifeguard for a half a mile in the first place?"

"Well we can't ask him now. He already thinks we're idiots."

"We are idiots."

"Let's just start swimming and see how far we can get, ok?" Did I mention Allison only had two weeks to train for her triathlon? There's a reason the girl was getting antsy.

We made it four laps before we were clutching the side of the pool and gasping for breath. I will tell you this: In three years of trying every conceivable workout I have never been so close to vomiting as I was in that moment. There are workouts and then there is swimming. It was a gut-wrenchingly, head-to-toe achingly, can't-breathe-for-at-least-3-life-threatening-reasons brutal workout. For the first time I understood why people watch the Summer Olympics for events other than gymnastics.

I was ready to be done. But Megan was already off like a fish, ahead of us by 10 laps or so, and Allison was on a mission. We pressed on for the full half mile. (-ish, my counting got a little garbled. Turns out I can't even do basic math when my Batman goggles turn out to be complete duds and yet I have to drive home so I can't lose a contact thereby forcing me to swim with my head out of the water the entire time making me almost as ridiculous as the Bouffant Lady.)

The next day I was sore everywhere, just like several of you warned me I would be. The strangest part was that I was most sore right under each butt cheek, where my leg joins my derriere. Who knew I even had a muscle there?! The worst effect though was - heaven help me - the Gym Buddies freaking loved it. LOVED IT.

Sensing lap workouts long after August ends, I broke down and bought a decent pair of goggles. I still hate swimming. But I hate it a little less than I used to. Plus, I have to admire a workout that brutal. It never did get much easier for me - every swimming workout felt like choreographed drowning - but I did love how it made me feel when we finished.

As for Allison, despite having never swam in open water, girlfriend finished her tri under two hours and suffered nothing more serious than chocolate-covered cleavage thanks to a protein bar she was inexplicably storing down her top.

Which necessitated a little post-race clean up:

(Not pictured: my four-year-old son eating the protein bar off the ground while the rest of us were distracted congratulating her.)

She rocked the running and biking portions and, more importantly, got bit by the tri bug and is already planning her next one! Way to go, Al!!

Gym Buddy Megan and I (a.k.a. The Dry Ones) flanking our victorious girl!

So, any of you change your mind about swimming this month? Anyone else in the "I don't hate it but I'll never love it" club? What's your favorite Summer Olympics event to watch??

Gym Buddy Poll: How Do You Put on Your Bra?

I love a good Do-It-Yourself project! You should never let a good pair of used undies go to waste.

Rowing until we (nearly) puked. Chest pressing our body weight (because we totally weigh 65 pounds). CrossFit's workout of the day for today would have been bad enough all on its own. But our gym upped the ante today by throwing a rainy, muggy day and a very sweaty, smelly gentleman into the mix. Lest you think I'm some kind of gym prude that thinks all bodily functions should be left at home, let me say that I have a very very high tolerance for other people's B.O. And this guy was rank. His smell was so bad that he actually caused another weightlifter dude to kick us off our weight bench so that he wouldn't have to smell the sweaty guy. Impropriety abounded.

I gagged on the rowing machine - which incidentally now I totally get why you all call it an "erg" seeing as that's the sound I was making, yelling to Gym Buddy Allison, "This place smells SICK!" Except that she heard a rather more, ahem, obscene version. I blame the wind generated by the rowing machines for spreading the smell around because after that neither of us could think of anything else other than how it really did smell like what Gym Buddy Allison suggested.

After our workout was finished, we congregated on the stretching mats that still smelled very much like rhymes-with-sick to chat, look up stuff on our phones and basically do everything but stretch. Building on our prior inappropriate conversation, talk turned to bras and how one puts them on and takes them off. Up until today I had no idea that there was more than one way to do up a bra.

This ended up being surprisingly divisive. Two of the Gym Buddies insisted that the best way to do it is to turn it backwards and hook the clasp in front before turning it back around and then slipping your arms in the straps. (Reverse that process for taking it off.) Me and the remaining Gym Buddy use a simpler method: we put the bra on and then reach around the back and hook the clasp. Removing it is done by again just reaching around the back. Us being us, we had to debate the varying methods and then start questioning random people around us, including one older gentleman who was less surprised than I thought he'd be (apparently he's heard our stretching-mat convos before) but wisely declined to give an opinion.

So now I have to know! How do you put your bra on? (Click through to take the Gym Buddy Poll of the day!)

poll by twiigs.com

Anyone else do the WOD today? Anyone ever been nearly strangled trying to get a sweaty sports bra off over your head? Do you have a stretching-mat question for the Gym Buddies?

Does Acupuncture Work for Weight Loss?

This guy has 200 flags stuck into his scalp with acupuncture needles to celebrate the Olympics. (He might also be a unicorn... shhh, only virgins can see them!)

"Hey, you wanna feel something gross?" I asked Gym Buddy Allison a couple of weeks ago as I started to pull down the top of my pants. It is to her credit that she waited a full 20 seconds before falling on the floor laughing. To workout with me is to love me.

Once I explained that it was not Flasher Friday - an explanation that was warranted as I have inadvertently flashed her thanks to the evil combination of loose-waisted yoga pants and a heavy pager that the childcare staff insisted I keep on my person at all times in case my three-year old insists again that he cannot use the potty unless he is 100% naked and then decides that clothes are overrated in general - she obliged. (While we're telling naked child stories, I have to say that my best one ever was when my then-four-year-old son dropped trou in the checkout line at the shoe store in the mall. Because, as he loudly announced, his butt itches. The parents of the teenagers working the counter can thank me later - nothing says abstinence like a starkers kiddo with his fingers so far up his heinie not even a latex glove would have helped.) I just wanted her to poke my tummy so I could show her how much bigger my diastisis (the separation between my abdominal muscles, also known as my Push Present from Jelly Bean) has gotten. Good friend that she is, she poked me like the Pillsbury Doughboy, that is if the Pillsbury Doughboy had birthed him 5 marshmallows and had subsequently deflated like a day-old roll.

So when Allison asked me the other day if I wanted to see her stomach, I figured I owed it to her. See, girlfriend has been taking a novel approach to losing her post-baby weight. In the last 12 weeks she has dropped 20 (ish) pounds and 6% body fat. Her secret weight-loss weapon: long skinny needles stuck into her abdomen, hooked up to a car battery and juiced. Oh yeah and she tapes magnets to her ears.

No, she wasn't abducted by Easy Rider aliens. She's been getting acupuncture! Who knew that the quickly growing alternative therapy could be used for weight loss? Up until Allison went all guinea pig on us, I'd never heard of it. According to some practitioners,

"It is not a panacea or a wonder cure in the treatment of weight control. But, acupuncture is effective in making it easier to lose and maintain that loss if the patient is willing to change their lifestyle. The exact mechanism by which acupuncture works is unknown but we know that acupuncture needles inserted into specific points on the body and in the ear release endorphins which have a calming and relaxing effect that makes it easier to deal with stress, frustration and anxiety that can trigger overeating and bingeing on fattening foods. Also endorphins affect the digestive and hormonal systems so acupuncture can help rebalance the organ systems that are running too fast- or in this case too slow—i.e., the metabolism and the will power. "

There was also some stuff in there about unblocking your chi and whatever but honestly they had me at slow running will power. Allison offered to walk us through one of her sessions:

First, they stick a bunch of tiny needles into her legs and feet. What those have to do with appetite and will power I have no idea but doesn't Al have great calves??


Then they stick more needles into her stomach. They attach electric nodes to some of the needles and then turn on the battery pack (seen between her legs, in the first pic). As you can see from the redness around the needles, it's more than just a little jolt.


Here's how it looks all hooked up. Al then lays there while the needles do their thing for about a half hour. She says the battery does make her stomach muscles twitch - a feeling she describes as "uncomfortable but okay" - but I should warn you that I know from watching her do Crossfit that her tolerance for excruciating pain is quite high.


Lastly, her acupuncturist tapes two seeds or magnets to her ears (they are the tiny black dots - one at the top crease of her ear and one just outside her ear canal). She wears them for 2 days post-puncturing and is supposed to squeeze them to suppress her appetite and prevent eating out of boredom.

So does it work? I couldn't find any research studies that examined acupuncture's effectiveness in weight loss but according to Allison's study of one, there seems to be some merit in it!

Have you ever tried acupuncture? Did you like it? What's the strangest weight loss method you've tried? Anyone have any great naked kid stories??

The One Piece of Gym Equipment I've Never Tried

You'd think that I of all people would have tried every conceivable piece of gym equipment out there. And trust me, that's on my list of 100 things to do before I die. It falls somewhere after making a cheese souffle (which requires something called a "ramekin" which I totally don't have) and before figuring out who killed JFK (somebody did it, by golly). So it is with some embarrassment that I tell you that I only recently discovered the joy of the rowing machine.

Gym Buddy Allison and I were a little baffled when "rowing" showed up on our CrossFit WOD (workout of the day). It didn't say how heavy we were supposed to go or whether we were doing body rows, upright rows, bent over rows, single arm rows or frat rows. Which is odd for CrossFit since they usually spell it out for you to the letter, i.e. "deadlift 1.5 times your bodyweight." Seeing as I have a hard enough time deadlifting my toddler (although to be fair he's WIGGLY), I think somewhere CrossFit is having a good laugh at my expense.

Anyhow, after a minute or two it finally dawned us. They meant the row, row, row your boat kind of row. Allison and I stared suspiciously at the rowing machines, of which our Y has exactly two shoved back in a corner by the stretching mats. Finally we walked over and sat down on the slidey seats.
"How do they work?"

"Like I know."

"How do you change the resistance?"

"Can you?"

"What do those numbers mean?"

"It means we're slow."

"So go faster already!"

Why? Is someone chasing us?"

"Probably just some local fisherman, out for a pleasure cruise, at night... in... eel-infested waters... "

And then I looked over at Allison intently rowing her way across a fake lake to the island of Guilder and burst out laughing. Hilarity ensued. We raced. She "won." But only because I fell off my seat giggling. (Aw who am I kidding? She won outright, fair and square; that girl is crazy strong.) Then we tried synchronized rowing. With arm movements. I was about to "splash" her with the dregs from my water bottle but people on treadmills were staring. And I do have some sense of propriety. Somewhere.

It was fun!

After our CrossFit was done for the day (I still can't lift my arms over my head, thank you very much), we headed back over to canoe side-by-side across the still waters of our Cybex lake. Until we hit the rapids. And then I might've fallen off again. I can't believe it has taken me this long to try these things! It was awesome!

I don't know why but it never occurred to me to try it before. Maybe I thought it was just for old people - you know, like those bikes that you pedal with your hands. Or maybe it was just because I've never actually seen anyone on them before. Or maybe - shhh - I was secretly scared of a big ol' contraption that I had no idea how to use.

But no matter, Allison and I are going back tomorrow - to see if we can row fast enough to tow a skier. I'm going slalom. (Which is lucky for me since I cannot water ski for real. For some reason I missed that developmental milestone growing up.)

So what piece of gym equipment have you been avoiding? Do you like to row? Anyone else not know how to water ski? And, also, does anyone have a ramekin?

Remember Office rowing?? (click through to see video)

How to do a Handstand Push Up (Video!)

Weight lifting can be intimidating. While pretty much everyone can do a bicep curl or squat, things start to get tetchy when you depart from the standard five safe exercises - especially if you are doing something with a high potential for embarrassment. Fortunately, those are my very favorite moves to try. It's a win-win all around: onlookers get some good entertainment and I get to try something new.

This is the first video, courtesy of The Great Fitness Experiment Gym Buddies, in a series of Fitness Moves You Think You Can't Do (But You Really Can!). (My next tutorial will be on how to write really long awkward titles with random capitalization. I'm a pro.)

On the agenda today: Handstand Push Ups!


click through to the site to see the video

Note: The Gym Buddies would like me to tell you that they do not normally tuck their shirts into their pants a la Steve Urkel. I gave them zero warning we were doing this and they were great sports about it!

Do any of you love handstands like I do? Any newbies willing to try it out? What's your favorite weird-o fitness move? Also, what do you think of me adding the occasional video post like this one? Should I keep the videos or stick to text only?

PS> Thanks to FitJerk for convincing me to do a video post (not that it took a lot of convincing...)

Blast Your Booty: 5 Moves to a Bodacious Backside

Gym Buddy Krista's face says it all, I think. There was pain (like two nails driven into my butt cheeks, not to mention serious ham and quad soreness) but there was also much laughter.

After FitJerk shredded our abs, you'd think I'd be leery of handing our delicate lady behinds over to him but you know me and a good challenge. Besides, this is our "rest week" on P90X and we needed a little variety to spice up our Core Synergistics (the least restful workout ever, Tony Horton!!) and Yoga (of which the Gym Buddies are boycotting). So Monday found us kicking, lifting, squatting and - heaven help us - thrusting our butts to high heaven. All in the middle of a very crowded weight floor. Mondays are the day the staff reserve to give the elderly folks the tour of the fitness floor. We got a ton of stares and quite a few comments. Thankfully dollar bills were not involved.

But, (or butt! hee!) let's get to the workout. I'll let Fit Jerk explain it to you. He even went to the effort of drawing you cute little illustrations. The Gym Buddies and I will interpret:

This workout has been a while in the making… I mean just ask Charlotte. I told her about it like a month a go and after some trial runs I finally got everything up to speed and we have a workout that will quite literally spank you silly.

Charlotte's note: My butt hurts. A lot. No spanking necessary, thank you.

The making: A while back I challenged Charlotte to try my insane ab workout and to my surprise she got a bunch of her friends together and put them through sweet agony. Nothing says friendship like “hey, come feel the massive burn of lactic acid with me!” – I should know, I put my good friend and training partner through this 3 times a week. Sometimes 4, then he hates me. So I figured, why not throw up a new challenge for her? So I picked a body part I get asked about a lot, and made a workout to help make it spectacular.

Alright let’s get on with it.

The Booty Blast: Working Out Your Behind So You Can Move Forward in Life

Golden Rule: Rest 90 seconds between each exercise and 60 seconds between each set.

R = Reps
S = Sets
mx = Maximum Reps (Till failure)
/ = Divides the # of reps you need to do per set

Exercise 1: Standing Kickbacks
S = 3 (per leg)
R = 20/20/mx

First of all, I should mention that you can do this while standing OR on the floor by going on all fours (hands and knees). Do whatever works for you. The concept is simple: Pick a leg and bring the knee up into a 90 degree bend. Flex your toes upward and kick your legs back while simultaneously driving you heels into a non-existent target. If someone was standing behind you while doing a kick back, they should get impaled by the heel of your foot. It’s like a mule kick. YEEEHANWWW! TO make it challenging, you can always kick higher but to REALLY feel it in the bum, try holding your leg for a second or two once extended, then bring it back.

Strangely no one wanted to volunteer to stand behind Allison to get kicked. Yeah, I know she smiles all cute but girlfriend kicks like a donkey.

Workout 2: Deep Hack Squat
S = 3
R = 15/20/mx

You will need some kind of machine for this since I don’t want most of you doing the traditional barbell hack squat. The thing with the hack squat is that your legs are out in front of you… so as you go down into the squat it will look as if you’re sitting in a chair. Think of doing a wall sit… its a similar position, but you go deeper. If your gym does not have a hack squat machine, you can use the leg press machine and just keep your feet in front as much possible. Having your heels under your knees is a good way to think of it. Also, don’t rush it… slow and controlled. For those that know how to read tempo, do 212.

Fit Jerk didn't give me a cute little drawing for this one so you get my best attempt at good form. Yes, it feels as weird as it looks but trust me - with your feet out that far you really really feel it in your tush.

See those red marks across my shoulders? The sign of a really heavy hack squat! I love a good weight-lifting war wound!

Workout 3: Assisted Roundhouse Kick
S = 3 (per leg)
R = 15/20/mx

This exercise is my secret weapon to a great backside, I’m not tooting my horn here… it's feedback from plenty of women, so you know… it’s gotta be all true. I've been doing karate since I was 15 years old and I always noticed the great burn feeling in my butt after my Sensei put us through this drill every class. By the time we finished it felt like I had sat down butt naked on a hot stove. We don’t need to go that crazy, but this is a great exercise. To do this, stand against a wall and make sure your supporting leg (non kicking leg) has its toes pointed TO the wall. This means your heels will face the target. Next, bring up the knee of the kicking leg as high as possible and bend it so that your heels are almost touching your butt cheek. Hold on to this leg. Now while staying in this position, fire the kicking leg (point your toes) and then bring it back. Every rep should be done as fast and as furiously as possible.

Note: Once you start the kicking, DO NOT hold the leg every rep, this defeats the purpose. You’ll notice that your knees start to dip as you get tired… you need to FIGHT this urge because that’s where a lot of the results come form.

Assisted kicks are for wusses! We don't need no stinking wall!

Workout 4: Hip Abductions
S = 3 (per leg)
R = mx/mx/mx

Most gyms have cable machines and have a crap load of different attachments that you can use. One of these attachments is for your ankles. But if you don’t go to the gym and/or your gym does not have the adequate equipment, you can do this with a pair of resistance bands which cost like $30 for a full set! So you have no excuse. If you’re REALLY dead broke and/or walking itself gives your rear a burn then you can do this without any resistance.

I don’t think much explanation is needed. Keep your hips perpendicular to the direction you’ll be kicking. Keep the kicking leg as straight as possible and raise sideways as high as you can. Dipping your upper body down a little bit will help get your leg up higher. Oh and holding onto something for balance is generally a very good idea.

The beginning of the move.

The end of the move - isn't Allison the most adorable fitness model ever?

Gratuitous backside shot (this is what happens when Krista gives us immature girls the camera to hold)!

Workout 5: Barbell Butt Bridge (Or hump the ceiling)
S = 4
R = 20/30/mx/mx

Grab a normal 45lbs barbell and place it along your hips. The thing I like about this exercise is that you can keep adding weight according to your experience level… but don’t let your ego get carried away. To do the 30 reps during the second set, I doubt you’ll be able to get away with much weight so take an educated guess. You may also use dumbbells by placing them on your thighs and holding on to them.

As you lie down, bring your knees up and keep your feet flat on the floor. Then raise your butt and lower back off the floor (hump the ceiling), hold it for a second and then lower yourself back to starting position. You should really focus on squeezing your bum as you do this… not only will it let you lift a heavier load, you will get the desired effect needed.

Nope, no picture from us on this one! This was embarrassing (hee!) enough without photographic evidence. But I want to point out that we totally DID use the 45 pound bar! It was even the curl bar so it hurt in two different ways - so take THAT Mr. Jerk!

Workout 6: Eat Smart!
S = unlimited
R = forever

One final thing I want you to realize is that just like abs, a great butt will be hiding behind a layer of fat… unless you get rid of it. Doing this workout will surely give you a powerful bum, and will give it the “tightness” it needs to stay firm… but if you really wanna “show it off” then you need to realize that your eating habits are just as crucial. Unleash your spectacular rear view by eating right AND doing my workouts… and expect to be complimented and stalked – Every girls dream.

Stalking is every girl's dream? And in other news, next week I will be guest posting, on Fit Jerk's blog about new wave feminism in a gym environment.

Cheers.

No, cheers to you my abtastic friend! Thanks for another great challenge!

- FitJerk

Author Bio: While he has a passion for writing and oozes the entrepreneurial spirit, FJ is a Fitness Expert first, and focuses on impeccably accurate advice that is delivered it in a straight forward, No-BS style. Check out his book or for personal attention, look into E-Training!

See ya on the backside!

Overall this was a kick-butt routine - in both senses! All of us were sore the next day which was good since our derrieres are not something we choose to work very often. Kinda like calves for me - I will never willingly work my calf muscles. I hate calf exercises. Do you have a body part you hate to work? Any of you try this workout with us this last weekend??

Written By Charlotte Hilton Andersen for http://thegreatfitnessexperiment.blogspot.com only! Not to be re-published without permission.

Can You Do Too Much Cardio?

Hee! They drew hair on his legs!!

When Personal Trainers Attack
It was bound to happen. The gym can be like a family - both in good ways and bad - so when a personal trainer went on Attack today, I can't say I was overly surprised. Well, that and he told me he was going to Attack Gym Buddy Allison and I. We even had the time and place set, West Side Story style. Meet me in the basketball courts. 10:30 and don't be late! I know where you are!

Personal Trainer A wanted to practice teaching Body Attack before his grand debut on Memorial Day and needed gerbils to practice his party tricks on. And you know how Allison and I love to be gerbils! We even roped Gym Buddy Megan into the fun. Side note: you totally want to click thru the Body Attack link, if only to see the wacky photoshopping they did. The poor woman's arms - she's a freak of nature!

The Class
First things first - despite having the awesomest name ever for an aerobics class (I was having visions of Krav Maga crossed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer), much to my dismay there is no actual attacking in Body Attack. What it is instead is a boot-camp style interval class that, after I put my Mortal Kombat dreams on the back shelf, turned out to be a decent burn. We alternated tracks of lunging kicks straight out of Fiddler on the Roof (Tevye plyos!) with running in ever tighter circles until my head spun and then we changed directions.

But my favorite part by far was the folk dancing track. Oh, of course it isn't really called that, and the music was Usher on speed rather than polka, but the moves were totally 6th-grade May Day. We held our hands up and ran towards each other in a big happy circle and then back out again, slapping arms and shoulders all the way. You can't buy this kind of entertainment, I tell you. We even ended up doing a group do-si-do during which Megan accused me of trying to hold her hand. Which of course I was. Hard to do a decent Reel without holding hands! Plus she tried to spank me.

Personal Trainer A was not terribly amused with our antics but he took it pretty well, even giving us permission to take potty breaks if "we really had to go." And when you've had as many kids as I have, trust me, you really have to go. By the end, silliness notwithstanding, we were all sweaty and beginning to feel the soreness creep in (five minutes of push-ups!!).

My vote: great calorie burn, good interval workout but a class you definitely want to take with people you like (remember that kid in school who always smelled like poo and tried to kiss you behind the lunch room? Yeah.)

The Effects of Cardio?
Mark Sisson and Co. have got me thinking a lot about cortisol recently. Basically it is a hormone that your body makes when you are stressed out and it is bad for you. It lowers your immune system, destroys muscle and actually instructs your body to store fat (cue scary music). The general consensus over at the Daily Apple is that any intense workout over 45 minutes puts you into cortisol production mode. They are particularly against very long sessions of high-intensity cardio.

So today, Gym Buddy Allison and I did an hour-long, brutal Spin class and then Body Attacked each other (see? awesome!!) for another hour. I burned nearly 1400 calories. While it was crazy fun - gotta love those endorphins! - I felt completely destroyed when we were done and had a major crash this afternoon. I have also had nearly uncontrollable sugar cravings all day long. Mmm... cookie dough for dinner.

Which is exactly what Mark & Co. predicted would happen. They also predicted that contrary to popular belief, that kind of crazy excessive cardio we did today would actually prevent fat burning and inhibit muscle growth by causing your body to be in a sustained state of stress. I know, I know, I'm a if-some-is-good-more-must-be-better girl myself but I'm also a numbers girl. Want to know what happened today? After all that major burnage, I gained two pounds.

So I pulled out my trusty book of compulsiveness, er, exercise data and looked back over the last 6 months at how my weight correlated to calories expended. I've talked about this before but, call me a slow learner, I guess the lesson didn't sink in. The more calories I burned per week in cardio, the more weight I gained. The weeks where I focused more on strength training & intervals *cough*crossfit*cough* and less on traditional cardio, my weight went down.

I think it is starting to make sense to me although I'm still bummed that something I love soooo much isn't good for me in excess (ah, chocolate, parting is such sweet sorrow!). And in case you are wondering what Mark advises for people caught in a fat-loss plateau: up your protein and lower your cardio.

Any of you tried Body Attack? How about Cardio Folk Dancing?? What have you noticed about your body when you do a lot of cardio? Hit me up with your cardio epiphanies!

Putting the Person Back in Online Personal Training [Experiment Results]

In an effort to keep their large geriatric clientele happy, my YMCA has recently added a floor show for their morning entertainment. A show so gripping that it even tops Ellen. (Note: not really. Nobody can top Ellen. I just wanted to work that in here somehow to tell you to check out MizFit's hilarious quest to get herself on The Ellen Show. If this doesn't do the trick, I don't know what will!) In a word: It's us.

There are some Experiments we do that draw a lot of comments from the gray-haired peanut gallery and this month's Personal Training (with actual person this time!) Experiment was one of those. Lindsey of Lean Bodies Fitness had the Gym Buddies and I doing all kinds of crazy things so on Monday I had to giggle when I overheard the following:

"Have you seen those girls? They just run everywhere! Can't even walk to get someplace."

"I know! They're crazy." (Charlotte's note: always the mark of a good Experiment!)

"It's gross. I've never seen a girl sweat so much." (This last one was said right as I ran by and, honestly, they're right. I sweat like the Amazon pre-Al Gore.)

The Experiment
This month was the first month of real, intense exercise I've been able to do since 6 weeks before my baby was, born marking a full 12 weeks off - barring my one Turbo class when she was a month old - of hardcore exercise. What a way to get back in! I asked Lindsey for a kick-butt workout and she sure gave us one. We sweated huge disgusting puddles inspiring Gym Buddy Krista to comment, "The worst thing about this Experiment is all the extra laundry." I would disagree - I think the all the lat work was the worst part (Anyone else have a body part they just abhor working? Mine are my lats. I'll never work them of my own accord!) - but the laundry was a close second. It only took me one load of washing the baby's stuff with mine to realize that "swotch" (a.k.a. sweaty crotch) is not a smell you want on your infant's onesie.

What I Liked
In contrast to the last time we used an online personal trainer, this time there was an actual person - Lindsey - involved. This made a huge difference. Our weekly check-ins with her helped keep me motivated and engaged. It also helped me cheat less knowing I was going to be reporting my reps and weights to her. I discovered that having a real live person to listen to you is kind of like a poor-man's therapy and since my therapist is now M.I.A. I let out all my weight woes to Lindsey. Girl was a darn good sport, refusing to get sucked into my drama. I gotta say it's hard to work up a good hysteria when the listening party insists on being rational. Lindsey calmed my anxiety by pointing me to her progress pics and telling me that she couldn't lose all the weight either while she was breastfeeding.

I think that the best part of working with an online trainer would be the adaptability. Seeing as this Experiment was only one month we didn't really get to test out this aspect but assuming you stick with things longer than I do (Me? Flighty? Wait, what's that shiny object over there!) then she would change the program to suit your changing needs.

What I Didn't Like
The workouts were tough to the point of brutal (barftastic was thrown around a lot) which was awesome and entirely what we asked for but I would have liked them to be a little more fun. Lunges ad nauseum may be difficult but they got a bit monotonous.

The other downside to an online personal trainer is that, well, they're online. While the Gym Buddies do a pretty good job of both motivating me and keeping me honest, it would have been better for all of us had we had her standing over us and fixing our form, kicking our butts and keeping us from watching the latest Inside Edition (trust me, you do not need to know that Heidi Montag wants to trade in her DDDs for "H's - for Heidi!" You want your initials on your body? Get a tattoo!).

Results
Not that this is the best measure of a workout but I lost a total of 3.8 pounds. For all my whining and moaning it was almost a pound a week which is pretty darn decent all things considered. The real success however was in my muscles - I lost a full inch off each thigh (joy!), 3/4 inch off my hips and 1/4 inch off my waist. I gained 1/4 inch on my biceps and my chest - well that fluctuates hourly so we won't talk about that one. While I'm still not back to my old dumbbell weights, I definitely improved this month and built some muscle. It felt good to be back hefting some serious iron again. Gym Buddy Allison, whose baby is just 6 weeks older than Jelly Bean, was back to her old ways of wowing us with her amazing strength. Girl uses a 65-lb curl bar for her upright rows! The mamas are back in business!

Gym Buddy Krista lost 2 pounds this month and 1/2 inch each off her butt and thighs. She had this to say: "It was very tough, got me out of my comfort zone, forced me to push myself, was quite boring...would have like to have seen 2 weeks worth of different workouts to be repeated once, was lunge heavy...would've like to have seen some creativity in those and the squats."

Gym Buddy Megan lost 4 pounds and is down 1/2 inch on her butt, 3/4 inch on her waist and 1/2 inch on her arm. She agreed with Krista's assessment of the workout.

Conclusions
Online personal training is a great option for people who can't or don't want to use a live in-person trainer but still want someone to kick their butt (vicariously). They are a convenient and affordable option for people who are good at self-motivating and really just need someone to tell them what to do next. Like any trainer there are good ones and bad ones so take the time to check out their credentials and make sure they are a good fit for what your goals are. I really enjoyed my time with Lindsey and was impressed with her service - I'd certainly recommend her!

On another note, I came to some very interesting conclusions about my diet over the course of this Experiment that I'll share with you next week. And, February's Great Fitness Experiment coming at you on Monday! (Hint: It's one you guys have been asking me to do ever since I started this blog and it's going to be a killer! I'm SOOO excited!)

What about you guys? 30 of you won a free month of Lindsey's training with us - what did you think?? What body part do you guys hate to work out?

Total Ab Burnout in 6 Moves (or less!) [Mini-Experiment]

When FitJerk posted his "Jerkdominal Blast" on Twitter, I might have just smiled remembering that my abs are only 2 months post baby expelling and not exactly up to anything involving blasts - or jerks for that matter - except that he said the magic word. No, not "please." He said challenge. I cannot resist a challenge, a fault that has put me into more than one regrettable situation (cliff dancing anyone?). Thankfully many of you share the same flaw and quite a few of you jumped in too:

So this morning found two of my Gym Buddies - the long suffering Allison and Krista - and I ready to make our abs so sore we wouldn't dare find anything humorous for at least a week. After doing Lindsey's hour-long Killer Barf Circuits in just 45 minutes which is why we are so red-faced and smelly in the above pic (it's a scratch-n-sniff!), we got down to work.

Since FitJerk said these would make us weep, we snapped some pics to prove him wrong. And also, because who needs fitness models to properly demonstrate the moves when you have us to show you how to screw them up? Hence, The Gym Buddies present Total Ab Burnout in 6 (not) Easy Moves:

Krista demos the leg scissors. 20-30 reps, 2 second tempo. (Note: FitJerk said the real killer part about this ab workout is the tempo and he was right. Some of the moves, like this one, we managed to do just as he prescribed. Others though... well, you'll see what happened. )

Next up, Allison doing the decline crunches with weight plate. 15-20 reps, 211 tempo. (Up 1 second, hold 1 second, lower 2 seconds.) Notice Allison's perfect form holding the plate behind her head, instead of on her chest? Also notice her adorable grin? Yeah, both the form and the smile went out the window after the first rep. These suckers were the worst of the bunch - agony!

Krista's expression (and method of cheating by lifting up the plate during the crunch) is pretty indicative of what we really looked like. I believe her exact words were, "I feel like I'm having a baby!!!" (Bet you don't scream that one in your gym, FitJerk!)

The third move is the pulse up. 30 reps, 211 tempo. These weren't bad. P.S. Like all the crap in the background? We're messy worker outers, we are!


Move 4 is the power wheel roll out, 20 reps tempo 312. If there was ever a piece of gym equipment designed for hilarity, it is the power wheel. Somewhere there is a stat counter for how many times people fall on their faces using this thing.

Case in point. (Also, remember the time Gym Buddy Lisseth got this sucker stuck up her butt? Good times!)


Move 5 is the oblique V-snap, 15-20 reps 211 tempo. Ignore my bad form. I'm too busy posing for the camera. (What - don't you all do that when you work out?!)


Last move: V-ups! 15-25 reps, 211 tempo. If there was one thing I learned in gymnastics, it is how evil the V-up is. Thankfully, FitJerk's version is easier than the traditional V-up (you don't have to come up to a full balance on your tail bone!). Which isn't to say it was easy. It still sucked. (I would like to take a moment here to explain that we do not generally kit out in our weight gloves to do ab work. We just didn't have time to take them off between Lindsey's Killer Barf Circuits - now with less time and more puke! - and the abs because I only had an hour to workout this a.m. You may resume caring about other things now.)

The other great thing about FitJerk's ab workout is that it inspired him to make me his new muse (Okay so he may not have officially said that but I know he was thinking it.) as he was so impressed by what an awesome exercise community we all have here at The Great Fitness Experiment that he wrote a post about the importance of having workout buddies! Yeah, yeah he doesn't mention me by name but a good muse doesn't need to be directly invoked to inspire;) You're welcome FitJerk!

In the spirit of community (and also because kick boxing in hula gear is AWESOME and HILARIOUS), here are a few pics of Turbo Jennie's turbo crew after our Island Days workout:

Somewhere a ukulele is strumming!


We had 83 peeps kicking and punching in that little studio! Turbo Jennie said we set a Y record! (And yes, Becky there in the front did the whole class in a wet suit!)

And... one more from our Christmas photo shoot because we are adorable and I found it while I was cleaning off my camera's memory. That's Gym Buddies Lisseth, Megan, Allison, me, Turbo Jennie (kindly holding my leg up as I was too wiped to do it myself) and Krista.

So, how did the ab workout go for you guys? Will I be weeping tomorrow??